They Came for me at night – poem written around 2005

They came for me at night,
Large tall stern ladies came for me at night,
Dark blue shiny heals worked for her at night.
They helped her
They came for me, came for me at night.
They took me away,
Tied me up they came for me,
Tied me up they locked me there
Locked me there and left me there
Left me there and left me lost, lost cold and heavy

Cold lead poison pipes I clean
Scrubbing scouring heavy strength
Dark blue heavy heals tied me up.
I clean
I clean
I clean
Tidy up I dust, scraping off the rust, clean open, clean open, rock smashed open.
Wanting to be clean.
Can’t stop feeling dirty, fuck being clean.
Something dark strong heavy, sick in my stomach,
Desensitized.

Not moving, not speaking
I just feel sick, I just don’t like it
I just feel bad
And all the joy is wiped away
Blankness
One move like a record over and over
One move like a practice over and over
This move again, don’t speak again, doesn’t matter what happens it all feels the same.

A discovery of research
A classic reaction
I fit in well
It wasn’t that bad
I fit in well.
Subtle, always subtle, always there, this thing I couldn’t describe, I run away and hide.
I feel sick
Its just me
It is me until I say
I need to say or I no longer be.
The cycle
Now its out
No shame
Fuck its out
No shame
Can’t stop being dirty, fuck being clean.